mother's day: a reflection of my journey
Sunday was Mother's Day! A day on the calendar dedicated to making Mom's everywhere feel extra special. But for many that's not the case. For those who have lost a child, or have not yet become a mother but desire so Mother's Day can serve as a reminder of what is not. Our pastor spoke on hope this Mother's Day! And our church offered prayer specifically for those who may be experiencing sadness, frustration or resentment on this day. For me, this Mother's Day brought about a time of reflection.
You wouldn't know it from the picture above, but I have experienced all of those feelings on Mother's Day as we spent two years trying to conceive a child.
I have always wanted to be a mother. From the time I was a little girl, my Mom has shared stories of me offering to play with and care for everyone else's children. When I married my hubby, I thought we would be on our way to becoming parents. But after 7 months of no periods (I have PCOS) we sought out fertility treatments. And for about another year we walked the walk of doctor's appointments, fertility medication side effects and ultimately one negative test after another. Let me tell you, there is nothing like be told each month what beautiful uterine lining you have during an ultrasound only to be reminded a few weeks later that nobody would be residing there.
Over the course of that year, I reached hopelessness. And fear set in. My thoughts became my enemy in a sense. What if I would never achieve my heart's greatest desire and get to grow a child in my womb? What if I couldn't have biological children? What was wrong with me? Finally, I reached my breaking point. Wanting desperately maintain some sense of control over my fertility, I declared that our final month was our last no matter what. That final month was the worst of all. Not only did I not get pregnant, but I had a reaction to the medication I was on that left me painfully swollen with fluid and looking a few months pregnant.
I was not a believer in this season of life. I wish I had been.
What I didn't know then that I know now is that God was already at work in my life. I wish I could tell you that in the pit of emotional despair I cried out for Him. But I didn't, My husband and I took a trip to Europe instead. But on that trip, standing on the St. Charles Bridge at the statue of St. John of Nepomuk, both my hubby and I made a wish. It is the local custom that if you make a wish at that spot it will come true within a year. We both wished for a baby, but neither of us told the other at the time. To be perfectly honest with you, I had no hope at all at that point. I made the wish because we were there and it was what the locals did. I had no belief that it would lead to a pregnancy. The whole trip was a wonderful time to reconnect with my husband after a rocky year, but it also served as an escape from what had become my depressing reality of negative pregnancy tests.
Nearly 5 years after that trip, I can look back and see how God was working in our lives already. He knew the deepest desire of my heart to be a Mom and regardless of my intention in that moment he knew that my heart was crying out in prayer on the bridge. And He knew then what I wouldn't come to learn for a few more years. That the baby he granted us at the end of that trip (yup, it turned out to be a babymoon) was exactly what we needed to walk back into a relationship with Him.
Our first child was born about 9 months after that trip. Our relationship with God began about a year later. Finding out I was pregnant with our son instilled hope in me once again. Joy filled my heart. Life was good. But on the day that I accepted Christ as my Savior it all began to take on a whole new meaning. What I used to recall as one of the darkest periods of my life, I am now thankful for. On the outside I look like many other Mom's with her kids living that crazy life. But in my heart, I know the ups and the downs of my journey to parenthood. And I know that God was using that experience in my life for goodness. I've been able to support and love on friends through their own walks towards motherhood with an understanding I never would have had had I not walked it myself.
For those of you struggling with hopelessness and wondering if you will ever be a Mom, I'm praying for you. I can't tell you when or where or how that dream will come true. I wish I could. It would have brought me great comfort. But I can tell you that when your dream comes true it will be worth every ounce of struggle. And I'm praying that you are taking your fears and worries to God and letting Him wrap you in his loving arms. I wish I had been doing just that. It would have made the journey to motherhood so much easier for me.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
You wouldn't know it from the picture above, but I have experienced all of those feelings on Mother's Day as we spent two years trying to conceive a child.
I have always wanted to be a mother. From the time I was a little girl, my Mom has shared stories of me offering to play with and care for everyone else's children. When I married my hubby, I thought we would be on our way to becoming parents. But after 7 months of no periods (I have PCOS) we sought out fertility treatments. And for about another year we walked the walk of doctor's appointments, fertility medication side effects and ultimately one negative test after another. Let me tell you, there is nothing like be told each month what beautiful uterine lining you have during an ultrasound only to be reminded a few weeks later that nobody would be residing there.
Over the course of that year, I reached hopelessness. And fear set in. My thoughts became my enemy in a sense. What if I would never achieve my heart's greatest desire and get to grow a child in my womb? What if I couldn't have biological children? What was wrong with me? Finally, I reached my breaking point. Wanting desperately maintain some sense of control over my fertility, I declared that our final month was our last no matter what. That final month was the worst of all. Not only did I not get pregnant, but I had a reaction to the medication I was on that left me painfully swollen with fluid and looking a few months pregnant.
I was not a believer in this season of life. I wish I had been.
What I didn't know then that I know now is that God was already at work in my life. I wish I could tell you that in the pit of emotional despair I cried out for Him. But I didn't, My husband and I took a trip to Europe instead. But on that trip, standing on the St. Charles Bridge at the statue of St. John of Nepomuk, both my hubby and I made a wish. It is the local custom that if you make a wish at that spot it will come true within a year. We both wished for a baby, but neither of us told the other at the time. To be perfectly honest with you, I had no hope at all at that point. I made the wish because we were there and it was what the locals did. I had no belief that it would lead to a pregnancy. The whole trip was a wonderful time to reconnect with my husband after a rocky year, but it also served as an escape from what had become my depressing reality of negative pregnancy tests.
Nearly 5 years after that trip, I can look back and see how God was working in our lives already. He knew the deepest desire of my heart to be a Mom and regardless of my intention in that moment he knew that my heart was crying out in prayer on the bridge. And He knew then what I wouldn't come to learn for a few more years. That the baby he granted us at the end of that trip (yup, it turned out to be a babymoon) was exactly what we needed to walk back into a relationship with Him.
Our first child was born about 9 months after that trip. Our relationship with God began about a year later. Finding out I was pregnant with our son instilled hope in me once again. Joy filled my heart. Life was good. But on the day that I accepted Christ as my Savior it all began to take on a whole new meaning. What I used to recall as one of the darkest periods of my life, I am now thankful for. On the outside I look like many other Mom's with her kids living that crazy life. But in my heart, I know the ups and the downs of my journey to parenthood. And I know that God was using that experience in my life for goodness. I've been able to support and love on friends through their own walks towards motherhood with an understanding I never would have had had I not walked it myself.
For those of you struggling with hopelessness and wondering if you will ever be a Mom, I'm praying for you. I can't tell you when or where or how that dream will come true. I wish I could. It would have brought me great comfort. But I can tell you that when your dream comes true it will be worth every ounce of struggle. And I'm praying that you are taking your fears and worries to God and letting Him wrap you in his loving arms. I wish I had been doing just that. It would have made the journey to motherhood so much easier for me.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.